Nobody wants to play with me

What should I do if my child has difficulty relating to other children?

“Nobody wants to play with me.” When a child says this, you might not know what to do or say. Few things can be more frustrating than seeing your child struggle to make friends or have trouble fitting in socially. The best thing is to start by listening.

Play is as important for young children as money and love are for adults. That’s why, when a child says “nobody wants to play with me,” they probably feel it’s very important. Try not to minimize it by saying something like “everything will be fine tomorrow.”

Through social relationships with other children, kids learn empathy, cooperation, conflict resolution, and communication. However, some children may have difficulties relating to others, which surely generates feelings of frustration and concern as a parent. But don’t worry—every child is unique, and there are ways to help them navigate this process skills.

1. Identify the causes of the difficulties

Before intervening, it’s crucial to understand why your child is having trouble relating to others. Is it a matter of shyness, lack of social skills, or perhaps an experience that made them feel insecure? The causes can be diverse:

• Shyness or introversion: Some children are naturally more reserved and need more time to feel comfortable in social situations.
• Lack of social skills: Your child may not know how to start a conversation, share, or resolve conflicts.
• Negative experiences: Bullying, rejection, or teasing can affect their confidence and willingness to interact.
• Developmental conditions: Disorders such as autism or ADHD can influence how children relate.

To identify these causes, observe your child. Don’t pressure yourself or your child if they’re not at the same point as other kids their age; often, we try to project our own ways of being onto our children, or compare them to siblings or other children. Try talking to them: listen without judging.

Avoid questions that can be answered with Yes or No. Use open-ended questions to learn more:

• What made you feel that way today?
• Who didn’t want to play with you?
• Was there a child you wanted to play with but didn’t get the chance?

It’s possible that some children just had a bad day and will feel better after a good night’s sleep. Others may feel out of place or have difficulties in social situations. And in some cases, saying “nobody wants to play with me” can be a sign of bullying or exclusion.

Put yourself in their shoes: The child goes out to recess 5 minutes late; maybe they went to the bathroom, or took longer than usual to eat their snack. Because they came out late, the soccer teams were already formed and the game had started. The child might say nobody wanted to play with them, but in reality, there are “circumstances” that can lead to misunderstandings.

It’s unrealistic to expect all children to want to be group leaders. But there are things you should and shouldn’t do to help your child adapt socially. Don’t pressure them too much. When children already have difficulties, forcing them to do something against their will usually doesn’t help.

2. Practice social relationships at home

Some children don’t naturally acquire social skills and need to be taught directly and practically. Play is one of the most effective ways for children to learn social skills. Through play, they can learn to wait their turn, negotiate, cooperate, and resolve conflicts.

Take the opportunity to create a safe environment where your child can express themselves freely, without fear of being judged.

Albert Bandura—a renowned Canadian psychologist—reminds us in his Social Learning Theory that children learn by observing and imitating models, so it’s very important to be positive role models. Depending on their age, our children may have new models outside our control: teachers, friends, or influencers. Be aware of how you interact with others when your child is watching.

Recommended activities:

• Play role-playing games where your child practices being “the other.” These types of games help children recognize feelings through empathy..
• Teach them to greet, introduce themselves, ask permission, say thank you, and listen to others.
• Use board games or group activities to teach them to take turns and follow rules.
• Create opportunities for play with other children in safe and trusted environments.

3. Consistency and patience

Whenever we talk about modeling children’s behavior, we’re talking about a long-term process that requires patience and consistency. Arrange playdates with one or two children at a time in a familiar environment. Create structured activities, such as board games or art projects, where your child feels comfortable and has to interact with friends.

As they gain confidence, you can expand their social circle. Remember that forcing situations can be counterproductive; it’s better to respect their pace and support them through the process. For example: Take chalk to the park and start drawing on the ground with your child. You’ll see that, very soon, other children will come over too. Put into practice the introduction phrases, greetings, and presentations you rehearsed at home through play.

4. Beyond the difficulties

Is this a behavior change? If your child’s isolation is a sudden change, there may be something else they can’t manage. Try to find out what’s going on, even at school. Many bullied children are ashamed to tell their parents or teachers. Tell them you love them, that they are the most important thing in your life, and that they have nothing to be ashamed of.

Does your child seem unusually anxious when around other kids their age? Severe anxiety can also cause even young children to isolate themselves or avoid others. Look for signs of anxiety in young children.

Around puberty, some children develop social anxiety disorder. That is, they are excessively worried about what others think of them. They often avoid social situations where they fear being embarrassed. Take a look at the signs of anxiety in teenagers and preteens.

Be aware of the lens through which you see your child

1. Being excluded
   • Context: A group of children starts playing at recess but doesn’t ask your child to join.
   • Why it may happen: There are many reasons why children aren’t invited to join. The group of friends may be very close. The games may require following instructions, and your child may have trouble knowing what to do. If your child gets angry after losing a game, other children may stop inviting them to play.
2. Being teased
   • Context: Your child stares at another child during recess, and then gets teased for it.
   • Why it may happen: Some children have trouble understanding social cues. When kids don’t understand these cues, they can misinterpret people and situations. They can also become easy targets for playground bullies.
3. Feeling isolated
   • Context: Your child doesn’t know what to do during recess, so ends up playing alone.
   • Why it may happen: Recess is mostly free time, with little guidance on what to do. Children who don’t feel secure in a group may prefer to play alone rather than risk reaching out to others.
4. Overexcitement
   • Context: Your child gets angry during a game, runs too fast, then falls and gets hurt.
   • Why it may happen: Because of all the noise and activity, hyperactive children can get overexcited during recess. They may not take a moment to pause and calm down.
5. Avoiding conversation with others
   • Context: Your child wants to play basketball with other kids but doesn’t know how to ask
   • Why it may happen: Some children have language difficulties or low self-esteem. Both can make it hard to start conversations or join in.

Quick questions and answers

It is essential to remember that not all children progress at the same pace. Some are more outgoing, while others are more reserved, and that’s perfectly okay. What matters most is to support them and be there for them.